Have you ever thought about grief outside the
context of the death of a loved one? When most people hear the term
"grief" they think of the emotional journey of processing through the
death of a parent, spouse, friend, child, even a beloved pet. But did you know
clinically you go through all five stages of grief no matter what type of loss
you are mourning? Because, in a very real sense, there is a death
present even if you are not physically burying something. There can be many
other types of deaths and one of the realest and most profound experiences with
grief can come through the death of a marriage.
With divorce it can be the loss of a dream of a
marriage and the picture in your mind of the life you would build together
side-by-side has shattered. Maybe it was the dream of the neighborhood block
parties in the summertime, but your wife ended up getting the house in the
settlement, and you're feeling a rush of frustration come over you as you see a
couple bar-b-queuing on the grill. Or maybe around Christmas-time when it's the
first time the kids are with your ex-husband for the holidays that you realize
that you don’t have the drive to get out bed in the morning -- that may be a
clue that you are grieving the loss of the dream you had of the family as a
unit. Sometimes we don't even realize we have expectations until they aren't
met.
Feeling angry and depressed are both natural
processes of mourning and once you are aware that your real issue is needing to
allow yourself to grieve, it can help you give your symptoms context as they
come up.
The 5 Stages of Grief:
·
DENIAL - in shock,
life doesn't make sense, you are in survival mode in this stage
Denial is the first step for addressing any loss. In the beginning the feelings may be too overpowering to even face so our brain switches into a coping mode. After time, when it is no longer too large to handle and we are ready, we then slowly move on to the next phase.
Denial is the first step for addressing any loss. In the beginning the feelings may be too overpowering to even face so our brain switches into a coping mode. After time, when it is no longer too large to handle and we are ready, we then slowly move on to the next phase.
·
ANGER - overwhelming
frustration, you may have one specific person/situation that is the target of
your anger in a "you hurt me, so I want to hurt you" mentality
Some of the feelings you may have been denying can resurface as anger as your denial wears off and you come to grips with what is happening. There is truth that the antithesis of love is not hate, but apathy. Your anger is recognition of how deeply you cared.
Some of the feelings you may have been denying can resurface as anger as your denial wears off and you come to grips with what is happening. There is truth that the antithesis of love is not hate, but apathy. Your anger is recognition of how deeply you cared.
·
BARGAINING - you may find
yourself thinking "if only" and "what if"
At this point you
may want to go back in time and change behavior to reach any other possible
outcome that is better than what you're facing. Trying to out-reason your pain
and avoid feeling it at all costs, you may find yourself living in the past of
guilt.
·
DEPRESSION - withdrawing
and isolating, feeling in a fog
The depth of the
pain is coming squarely to the present. Will it always feel this way? No, but
inside the fog of depression it can seem that is the case. This is a very
appropriate response to the loss fully settling in your soul.
·
ACCEPTANCE - recognizing
this new reality
This stage doesn't
mean everything goes back to the way it was - with profound loss, it does
change you in a deep way. Coming to the last stage of grief is learning to live
with this new reality. Even though you cannot go back in time and have the same
connection you once had, there is the potential for new relationships, new
experiences and new memories to be made in the future.
Keep in mind, these stages aren't always linear
and forward moving. We change based on the feelings that arise, so you may flip
back-and-forth between a few different ones before ultimately coming through to
the point of acceptance. Try to keep in mind your grief is as unique as you
are.
Are you feeling the after-effects of divorce? If
you find yourself at any of the stages of grief mentioned, I'm here to talk
with you and help you process this life-altering change. Feel free to reach out
to me for an appointment. You can either email me at leemiller.therapist@gmail.com or
call my office at (310) 614-0323.
There is hope on the other side of grief and the
hope of a better tomorrow.
