How to Maintain a Relationship with a Mentor

Let’s talk about mentors! Last week we took a look at the first big milestone on the path to creating a thriving mentor relationship - initiating. Today, we’ll tackle the second milestone - maintaining.


Once you’ve made the initial contact with your potential mentor and established a baseline relationship then it’s time to keep the relationship moving along smoothly.


Maintaining a great mentor relationship takes work and if you don’t put the time and effort into building it then it can very quickly fall by the wayside and could even leave a sour taste in your mentor’s mouth.


Here are just a few tips on how to maintain a healthy relationship with your mentor:

Come Prepared Consistently

By this point in time, you should have discussed the cadence of your communication and either set up regular times to connect or established a different arrangement to regularly communicate. Now the ball is back in your court! Make sure that every time you meet with your mentor you come prepared. This means you have a list of questions that you’d like to ask, goals for that specific meeting, and, if relevant, an update on the topics that you discussed at your last meeting. Remember that your mentor is taking valuable time out of their day to help you grow - make it as easy as possible for them and set both of yourselves up for success.

Update on Milestones and Accomplishments

Everyone loves seeing someone they care about succeed and your mentor will be no different. Keep your mentor in the loop as you pass milestones in your career (and personal life if that’s the relationship you have established) and achieve new accomplishments. You don’t need to prepare a full presentation every time you have an update or achievement, simply shoot over a quick email and share the excitement.

Be Flexible

As you continue to develop your relationship remember that just because something is working for you both today doesn’t mean it will work in 6 months. Be cognizant of your mentor’s workload and other life events. As things change for you both over time, you may find it necessary to adjust the frequency with which you check in or meet in person. Remember, your mentor is volunteering their time to help you succeed so stay flexible and always be prepared to offer an alternative solution that benefits you both.



The value that a mentor can add to your life is immeasurable and when done well, a healthy mentor/mentee relationship can last a very long time (you may even become a mentor yourself which would make your mentor a grand-mentor!). However, finding a mentor, reaching out, and continuing the relationship may seem easier said than done. If you’re interested in finding, establishing, and maintaining a mentor relationship but need help to get started you can email me at leemiller.therapist@gmail.com or call my office at (310) 614-0323.

“Why People Don’t Leave an Abusive Relationship”

We hear in the media about abusive relationships usually after some violent act has taken place as a result of it.   Further, when we hear that the abuse in one form or another had gone on for years, we’re shocked and appalled and immediately ask the question, “Why didn’t she leave?”.  The answer to that is more complicated than many people would think.

First, let’s talk about the abuse itself.  When we hear the phrase “abusive relationship” many automatically think of violence. But abuse can take many forms. It’s usually an insidious thing that becomes a pattern over time.  It may begin with verbal or emotional abuse and may or may not escalate to violence over a period of months or years. 

What’s hard to fathom is that a relationship with a partner who is psychologically abusive becomes like a drug to the victim.  The emotional rollercoaster that is played out through the cycle of abuse then forgiveness phase when the victim “behaves”, causes an actual hormonal change in the body where the partner craves approval from the abuser—just like craving a drug.  There is actually a psychological term for this called “trauma bonding” where maintaining the relationship at all costs is like an addiction.

Below are 5 reasons why people have trouble leaving an abusive relationship.

1. Emotional abuse takes a toll on a person’s self-esteem and they question their ability to start over or be able to make it on their own.  Their opinion of themselves is so low that they can feel worthless and not capable of making it alone.

2.  Usually after a period of abuse the abuser will apologize and make-up with the victim.  This leads the partner to believe it will be “different this time” or won’t happen again.

3.  On average, it will take a person seven times to break-up with an abusive partner and leave for good. Because, as stated previously, the relationship becomes like an addiction and it’s hard to make the commitment to leave for good. 

4. The abuser convinces the partner that it’s her fault for the abuse. The “See what you made me do?” mentality comes into play here and can convince the partner that they caused and are responsible for the abusive behavior. 

5. There is societal pressure to stay in the relationship.  Some cultures make it a shameful thing to leave a relationship. The pressure to have the “perfect relationship” can be a strong motivator to stay.  This “what will people think” attitude causes many people to stay in the relationship and ride it out regardless of their unhappiness.

When someone is abused over a period of time, their thinking can get skewed and the toxic relationship patterns can become entrenched and normalized in their head.  If you think you’re relationship is abusive or know someone else going through it and don’t know a way out, please reach out to me. I can help.  I’ve worked with many people with this issue. You shouldn’t have to live in pain.  You can email me at leemiller.therapist@gmail.com or call my office at (310) 439-5091.

“How to Ruin a Relationship When Arguing”

We all know how difficult it can sometimes be to maintain a healthy relationship. And finding the “right” partner in the first place can be a difficult task. But once you find a compatible mate, maintaining that relationship is where the real work comes in.  In our high-stress world where both partners usually work, and many people have lifestyles that go one hundred miles an hour, it can be easy to put your relationship near the bottom of the list of your priorities. Falling into frequent arguing can be a pitfall of a stressful lifestyle and it’s not hard to lose a relationship quickly. 

Below are five ways to ruin a relationship when arguments happen.  These are meant to help you become aware of patterns, traps and behaviors you can fall into that can ruin your relationship over time.  Avoiding these behaviors can literally save you from ruining an otherwise healthy relationship.  

Threatening to Leave

Many times it’s easy to walk away from a relationship instead of putting in the time and effort to make it work.  When you and your significant other start arguing, threatening to leave is a sure way to break trust with your mate.  You may say it in the heat of the argument—and it comes out of hurt on your part—but regardless, it’s a sure-fire way to hurt your mate and kill the relationship, particularly if you do it frequently.

Saying “You Always” or “You Never”

Let’s face it, most people don’t “always” or “never” do something.  Doing this can would your mate and bringing up extremes like that are relationship killers.  Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt by saying, “It makes me feel bad when you…..” is much better than, “you always do this to me….”.  Being fair in an argument or discussion is a much better, civil, and loving way to get issues out on the table without resorting to accusatory language.

The Silent Treatment

Although this is an age-old method of making your point that you’re unhappy with your significant other, this is not usually a healthy way to deal with an argument or disagreement.   Of course, after a heated discussion or disagreement, a cooling off period may be order. But giving him or her the silent treatment for a day or days at a time is sure way to put distance between you and your partner.  And done often enough, this distance may not be able to be repaired after a while.

Finger-Pointing

This is a behavior that most people have at one time or another.  But finger-pointing on a consistent basis puts you both in an adversarial position that simply widens the chasm in your relationship. The “You did this!” or “You did that..” is simply a way to deflect blame for your part in disagreements or verbal fights.  Sticking to the issue at hand that is at the heart of the argument and not bringing up past behaviors is important in ensuring that your mate doesn’t feel attacked.

Not Accepting Responsibility

Admittedly, this one can be difficult but a simple “I’m sorry” or “I didn’t mean that” can go a long way in building trust and letting your partner know that he or she isn’t always at fault.   Taking responsibility for your actions and what you did wrong is critical for the success of your relationship. We’re all human and we all make mistakes. Letting your partner see that vulnerability can do wonders for endearing you to them.

Again, healthy relationships take work.  But if you’re with the right partner to begin with and attempt to avoid the above-mentioned behaviors and traps, you have a much better chance of nurturing and deepening the relationship.  

“5 Ways To Stay Healthy After a Divorce”

Divorce is never easy, even when you choose it.  It causes upheaval in your living arrangement, with your emotions and your normal routine.  Self-care is critical after a divorce and maintaining good physical and mental health is a good place to focus.  Too many people fall into negative or toxic patterns of over-eating, over-sleeping or other means of escape due to the grief and, sometimes, depression that can come from a marriage breakup. 

Below are five ideas to keep you feeling well after a divorce.

Socialize

It’s important not to isolate after your divorce. It’s very easy to fall into the trap of feeling like your married friends no longer want to socialize with you due to feeling like a “fifth wheel”.  In many cases this simply isn’t true and they want to support you through a difficult time. Granted, in some cases certain friends may “take sides” after the divorce out of loyalty to your ex. However, it’s imperative you get out at least occasionally and be around people instead of sitting home alone brooding or ruminating about what happened. 

Exercise

Exercise is one of the best things you can do for yourself— anytime. Particularly after a divorce, regular exercise where you get your heart rate up through aerobic or other means,  will allow your body to release endorphins, the “feel-good” chemicals in your brain.  It will also help you to sleep better and actually reduce your appetite so that you don’t fall into the trap of eating “comfort” food.

Energize

Find an activity or hobby that you’re passionate about or at least diverts you from your thoughts.  Getting involved in something that really interests you is a great way to stay busy and keep you from thinking about “what could have been”.  I’m not advocating that you run from your feelings here. But getting involved in an activity that diverts you from the feelings and pain from time to time is a healthy way to allow you to heal.  Time is ultimately the great healer unless there were deeper issues such as abuse or trauma associated with your marriage. 

Laugh

The old saying, “laughter is the best medicine” rings true here.  Regular laughter to lighten your day is a great way to help you keep focused on the good in your life and not the past hurt. And there are many ways you can find ways to make you laugh. Comedy movies, sitcoms and even going to a local comedy club are great ways to look at the lighter side of life.  You may even have a friend who has the ability to give  you a good belly laugh a lot of the time too.  Life is not a veil of tears, even though sad times hit all of us at one time or another.  Laughter is a way to see the funny side of life and it has even been proven to have health benefits like boosting your immune system.

Sleep Enough

Getting enough sleep is something everyone needs. It can sometimes be a problem for recently divorced people as they may lay down to sleep and start thinking about what went wrong or have fear of the future. An average of seven hours of sleep per night is recommended by most doctors as being a good amount. Exercise, limiting your caffeine intake during the day, avoiding alcohol and high-fat foods before going to bed are all good ideas to help you get a good night’s sleep.

         Learning to take care of yourself on your own may be a new to you but establishing new healthy habits is always a good thing in the long run.  If you’re experiencing depression or turmoil because of a divorce, Lee Miller can help. She specializes in individual and couples therapy with divorce and relationship issues. Simply email her at leemiller.therapist@gmail.com or call  (310) 614-0323.

“Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder—Signs, Symptoms and Treatment”

You have most likely heard of obsessive-compulsive disorder, or OCD as it’s commonly called.  Although many people have obsessive-compulsive tendencies, when it impacts your daily functioning and becomes a problem, an evaluation by a health professional may be in order.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health:

“Obsessive-compulsive disorder is a common, chronic and long-lasting mental illness in which the person has uncontrollable recurring thoughts (obsessions) and behaviors (compulsions) that he or she feels the urge to repeat over and over.“

To be diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder people have the symptoms of the obsessions, compulsions or both. As stated above, these symptoms impact all areas of a persons life including work, personal relationships and social interactions. 

Obsessive thoughts can encompass things like irrational fear of germs or other things, unwanted thoughts regarding sex, religion and harm, as well as the need for things to be symmetrical and in order. Or believing that certain numbers are “good” or “bad”.

Compulsions can manifest as behaviors such as excessive hand-washing, touching of objects, touching objects of different temperatures and excessive cleaning. It can also involve compulsive counting among other behaviors.  These compulsive behaviors are usually the result of —and in response to—obsessive thoughts.

Not all rituals or thoughts are compulsions. You may have a tendency to check a locked door several times to “make sure it’s locked completely” or other behavior that is seen as repetitive.  But a person with OCD generally can’t control the obsessive thoughts or compulsive behaviors, even when he or she knows they’re excessive. These thoughts and behaviors are beyond the persons control. 

Some criteria for effective diagnosis includes:

- Realizing the obsessive thoughts and behaviors don’t make sense yet the        person can’t quit doing them.

- Spending at least an hour a day on these thoughts or behaviors.

- Experiencing problems at work or in relationships because of these behaviors

- Doing certain behaviors that keep you from living a normal life.

Causes

At this point, doctors aren’t exactly sure what causes OCD. Some parts of the brain in people with OCD show some abnormality but more research is needed to fully understand the disorder.  Normally your doctor will do a routine physical exam and even blood tests to rule out other problems first.  Your doctor will then ask about your habits,  thoughts and routine to determine if you have OCD or not. 

You’re more at risk for OCD is you have or ever had:

-depression

- anxiety

- tics

- a history of OCD in your family

Treatment

If your doctor determines that you have OCD he/she may prescribe medication, talk therapy or both.  Currently there is no cure for OCD but it is treatable and people can lead more normal and functional lives than without treatment.  

If you feel you may have OCD tendencies or OCD , please call Lee’s office at (310) 614-0323. 

“Work Place Stress and How to Cope With It”

        Work place stress is a very common occurrence today that can take its toll in lost productivity, money, and health if measures are not taken by individuals to cope with it effectively.  More than one-third of working Americans experience chronic work stress with many organizations they work for not being able to provide adequate help for them in the form of employee assistance programs and the like.

Common Causes of Work Place Stress

Below are some common factors that can contribute to work place stress.

• Low pay
• Conflict with co-workers
• Little opportunity for advancement
• Little control over job decisions
• Feeling your work doesn’t matter

These stressors can take a toll on the mind and body and cause a number of different health problems including:

• Sleep difficulties
• Changes in eating habits (i.e. eating too much or too little)
• Headaches
• Stomach issues
• Difficulty Concentrating
• Anxiety
• Short Temper
• Lowered immune system
• Obesity

How to Manage Your Stress

Taking a dual approach to managing your stress at work can do wonders in keeping negative stress at bay.  First, recognize that stress begins in the mind and it’s our perception of events that causes the stress in the first place. Avoid “catastrophizing” or “awfulizing” petty situations. For example, thinking a small argument with a coworker is the end of the world and that forgiveness is not possible is one scenario that comes to mind. 

It’s very easy to feel like you’re getting to a breaking point when small stressors like this continually chip away at your peace and serenity.  It’s usually these “mental traps” that compound over time and small instances like this can add up to and cause the above-mentioned physical problems and bigger health challenges down the road.  Changing your perception of stressful events can nullify these little episodes of stress or at least make them insignificant enough not to cause undue stress.

Secondly, be proactive in your approach to work stress.  Getting into a meditation group or scheduling a weekly massage can do wonders in bringing down your stress level. Other techniques such as self-hypnotizing and visualization for relaxation can have a carry-over effect for keeping you more calm throughout the day.  Neuro-linguistic programming can also help cut down on stress.  This is an entire field in itself and uses “patterns” of visualization to change your perception of stressful events, in addition to other uses of the technology.  You can get information on all these techniques at your local library or a book store to learn how to do these techniques correctly.  It’s also important to practice these exercises on a regular basis to get the full benefit.  Twenty minutes a day alone in a room is sufficient to get the full stress-reducing benefit. 

The key here is to do something every day to combat the negative stress in your job.  I’ve heard it said that if you’re not satisfied with or simply don’t like your job, you’ve got two choices: either quit your job or change the way you feel about it.  In most cases, quitting is not an option, so the above tips can help in making it more bearable and/or peaceful without ruining your health. 

        If you need help coping with work-related stress please reach out and call my office at (310) 879-5630 or email me at leemiller.therapist@gmail.com.